Multi-Dimensional

The other night put an awkward pit in my stomach. It was one of those nights where you learn that a human being actually has different sides to them. Being exposed to those other sides can make you feel uneasy, and at a completely loss of words. But, I suppose after you pound someone with the question "what's wrong?" enough while assuring them you won't be angry or mocking, they finally break down. And you have to expect they're going to reveal an unexpected part of themselves to you. Who knew sex would lead to creating more of a round character in my life? Cheers to the heart broken, dude.

Anyway, I knew just how he felt after he finally expressed what was swirling through his dome. And, yes, it is hard being in love with someone when they're not yours. The only thing that makes it easy for me is that he's in another continent, not just a state away. Whenever I reconnect with people after a period of time, they're shocked to hear I'm still in love with the same god damn person. I've written about this before, I guess I need something new.

I suppose I do have something new now, though. Something easier and less intense. Basically, exactly when I need. I have no desire to be wrapped up with something mind blowing and phenomenal right now, because, well, mind blowing and phenomenal is far too complicated and burns out quickly much of the time. This was a gradual process, one I didn't overhype, or even consider much. But, it's happening, though not "officially" yet. It's a little exciting, just part of the thrill of something, or in this case, someone new.

Onward... Israel is official for January. I might also be going to California for my cousin's wedding and then over to Vegas. This means I would be out of New Jersey nearly the entire month of January. THANK FUCK. If all goes according to plan, 2010 is going to start off with one of the most exciting experiences of my life so far. I am so ready for 2010, though this last half of 2009 has successfully redeemed itself of the shittieness.

Also, I feel I should mention this because it's important to me... I started back up at the gym again. Beginning that mind, body, abs connection. I was able to loose a bunch of weight before, and I'll do it again. I haven't felt completely comfortable in my body this past year, though I have started feeling a little better about myself. I just need to get back to where I once was, so I can truly be confident in myself.

I make the most amazing pumpkin curry coconut bread.

Lastly, I wish my best friend wasn't such a debbie downer. She's able to take anyones upbeat mood and just bring it down with her. It sounds mean, but I truly can't stand my best friend sometimes. She's just so settled in her ways, and I feel like she doesn't have much adventure left in her. I remember I brought her to a show the other month and she just fell asleep in the corner (don't ask.) But, I'm sticking with her, I just wish she would get over whatever it is she's going through. I have no idea where this friendship is heading... and it makes me even sadder that I sometimes don't care.

I'm tired, I think I'm in need of a nap.

Back Up On It

I'm a little irked with myself for not posting anything for like, 2 weeks. I don't have any excuse except that I'm lazy. I need to get back on the accomplishment track, and I consider writing on here one big accomplishment. I can't call myself a writer and not write.

Halloween was fun. Saw the Tough Shits, got real drunk, got a chance to hang out with Joy alot... all an all, a damned decent evening. Joy actually wants to start a band, and asked me to sing. That's something to look forward to. I did end up spending way too much money, but I have an excuse. Ya know, halloween, holiest of holidays. Hopefully though, all my job hunting will pay off and I can afford to spend some money. I hate having to depend on my mother, but she knows I'm trying and not just sitting on my ass waiting for something to be handed to me. Anyway...

I've come to the realization I've forgotten how to go about kissing a boy sober. It's difficult even when I'm drunk and they're sober. I'm aware of how stupid this all sounds, but drunken behaviors are (almost/sometimes) forgivable. When you're drunk, you're allowed some leeway with your stupid actions. "Oh man! Did I really try to kiss you the other night? That's funny!" When both or one of you isn't drunk, it just becomes awkward. I guess this is why most of my relationships fail. They're all mainly based off of basic animal attraction, i.e., we just wanna have sex, and alcohol destroys and bit of awkwardness that naughty fun time holds when 2 people aren't in love.

I don't have much more to say, which sucks. I want to say more, but I feel brain dead. I'm on a bit of a lull right now, hoping to catch another spark. I always say "one of these days," and I need to start making that day today. Maybe I should cover my room with cheesy inspirational posters... boost moral every single morning.