Love Query & Proving Nothing

The other night I unsuccessfully attempted an experiment. I don't know why I say "unsuccessfully" or even "experiment," as it had no real hypothesis to ultimately end up at. All I really did, in actuality, was stay up for 42 hours, and spent the next few days trying to readjust my sleeping schedule. It was completely useless, and I couldn't even manage to stay up for 2 days. I believe this is because my creative energy began to lack around hour 40, so instead of working on projects, I began just reading about sleep deprivation. That's not a very smart idea, even with endless coffee consumption. I figured this "experiment" would help me discover my truest self, but all I ended up with is 3 realizations. 1)Time becomes an odd concept the longer you stay awake. 2)Spending that much time with yourself can become nerve wracking. And 3) I love sleep. As Chuck Klosterman puts it "sometimes the difference between self-actualization and self-amusement is less than you think."

On a different note, I may apparently be intimidating. I figured being forward with guys may work somehow. It did before, indirectly it's how I managed to get my ex-boyfriend. The way I see it, if I spare guys the work of approaching me, they'll simply be happy a girl with my level of confidence would be willing to mack it to them. But, so far, to no avail, it just seems to make things awkward. But, honestly, I'm tired of being passive. If I don't do anything, I feel as though nothing will happen. I suppose I'll just have to keep trying... or try to find a compromise.

Now, on a related note, the goal for my next relationship is to be in total control. I know that makes it probably bound for failure, but is it really all that wrong? In my last relationship, I was basically the pussy whipped man, while my ex was the controlling girl. Not so much in the sense that I would go out of my way on his every demand (he didn't have too many,) but I would be completely passive and submit only to his needs. This is exactly why I want total control in my next relationship, just to balance everything out before I get into an equal relationship. This logic somehow works out in my head. The men should now be lining up around the corner.

My other completely minor problem with relationships, is no matter how much I fall for a guy, there's always going to be the one they can never compare to. I think almost everyone suffers from this problem. You know, "the one true love" syndrome. Another Klosterman quote to perfectly describe what I'm getting at here is:


"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition.It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable...The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." 


The only boy I've ever really loved has been away in another country since 2006 (he's in the military), and has only visited once since that time. And even though he visited while I was in a relationship, and even hung out with me and the ex, my eyes still lit up brighter for him than anyone. I've always had a crush on him since we met at 13 years old, and him, 14. But, it wasn't until a few years later, a month or so before his leave, that I realized how completely in love with him I really am. We've never been in a relationship, never even kissed. The most we shared is a few kisses on the cheek & forehead, plus one weird drunken night where nothing happened yet I wake up in my underwear with him and some other girl. Oh, alcohol. Still, I managed to fall in love with him. He's one of my best friends, and sometimes they say that's the right person to fall for, but it's also the worst. 


Now, this doesn't exactly have an affect on all current relationships, but I know the moment he comes back it will be the same cycle all over again. I would leave anyone if he ever said he would want to be in a relationship with me. I hate the thought of marriage, but if it had to be anyone, he is the only one I can visualize such things with. I would have his children even though I also shutter at the thought of that. Not that any of these things will ever happen (though I can hope,) but it gives you insight as to how much this one person means to me.


My friend Emit says to not make people a hobby. But, we're all victims of doing so, even he himself who said it. As humans, we don't know how to not fall in love. It's in our nature. No matter how much of a defense we put up, no matter what we do to avoid it, no matter how cynical we become, we all succumb to the stupidity that is love. It's true what Klosterman says, one person will manage to become that definition. It's unavoidable, try to deny it all you like, love is real.


I may not believe in love, but it does exist for that one human being. It only exists for that one human, at least for me. It may not be real for anyone else I get involved with, but it is for him. This doesn't mean I won't fall in love with someone else, but they'll only be what love is supposed to feel like. I will feel in love with that person, they will feel in love with me, but they won't be my definition. I have my definition, even though I'm not entirely sure what it is... 


I'm sure posts like this will REALLY help me get the fellas now.