"Adulthood" or Something Like It...

Ah, the feel behind the wheel. Nothin' but asphalt for miles ahead. Creedence Clearwater Revival blaring from the speakers with an ever so slight crackling sound that only adds to the grittiness of the music. This is true bursin' and crusin'. This is freedom.

In about a month from now, I will be driving, licensed. This may not seem like a big deal considering it's what (almost) everyone does. Not me. It's strange "becoming this person" who no one one thinks I am. It's like when I have a job, or a boyfriend. It's apparently "very unlike me," even though none of these things are really, as I said, "big deals."

Do I/did I avoid some of these things because they're simply "not in my nature," or am I sacred shitless of entering adulthood? Probably a little of both, more one than the other. I've rushed quickly in life. I was born early. I went through puberty early.  I got out of high school early to enter college early. I moved out early (then I moved back.) But what's my deal with the other stuff? I can justify to you many reasons, valid or invalid. First, the driving. Driving is a huge responsibility, not just with safety, but also financially. Money is tight, and even when it's not I like to hold on to it.

Getting a job? I don't mind having a job, but I hate the thought of working jobs I well... hate. Though I do admit, I have little work ethic, but succeed greatly in my scholarly pursuits. This explains why I've been fired from every retail job I've ever worked. I generally exceed the intelligence of every manager, and many of the customers. I have a difficult time working for people I see as beneath me... hell, one of my old managers is now locked up in prison for wrapping her newborn baby in a towel, shoving it in a bag, and throwing it under the sink. I'm just saying, it goes to show you...

And boyfriends? Well... I've had but one. I'm not a fan of letting my guard down, and every time I do, I get hurt. This results in me rebuilding my wall higher and thicker, and sticking it together with cynicism. I'm not scared of love, or commitment, or anything like that. I'm scared of giving myself over to a person to such an extent I loose sense of myself only to wind up being fucked over somehow in the end. I'm jaded after only 2 decades on this planet. (Yes, I've quickly rushed into jadedness.) The highs just don't seem worth the lows, and I'm not ready to rush into anything again. I thought I was so sure with the one boyfriend I had, but as the old saying goes "love is blind." It also enables you to become semi-retarded.

I suppose in the end though, none of these justifications matter. We're all products of our past, so there's really no excuses. But it's the future. Nothing freaks me out and excites me more than the future. It's this mixture of feelings that makes me want to speed up head-on into things and also makes me wanna puke just thinking about. But it's inevitable, time is linear, at least here in the third dimension. And that's what I have to deal with, the third dimension, this "reality." No amount of astrophysics can save me.

Fuck it. I'm sick of growing up. Let's go to the playground and pick our noses.