The Irony of My Life

So, I suppose I'll start with my weekend, a very good place to start. Friday night I met up with my friend Chloe, trudged through endless traffic, and finally arrived at my bro-cuz, Kyle's place. I wanted to play match maker with these two for a bit because well, Chloe loves Jews, and Kyle is one cool Jew. While I realize this isn't much of a bases for a successful relationship, it's enough for two individuals not looking to settle down and have babies and white picket fences. Anyway, we get to his place, Chloe carves my friend Elvis a pumpkin for his birthday, and from there we head to Elvis' birthday show at the El bar.

It was great to see all the familiar faces I haven't seen in a while. Even though there was one 'minus a few teeth' face there I could live without seeing (or accidentally saying hi to, shit! and we hadn't spoken in over a year, fuck, why did I mess that all up?) But there was a new face there, gorgeous as could be (see above.) His band was from near Boston, and my god, what a babe. After some initial flirting, I went to go check with Chloe and Kyle, as they were sitting out back a good amount of the time. And, awesomely, they got along really well, enough to hook up and now spend time together, etc. etc., good for them.

So, my attempts on this gentleman seemed to be going somewhere until he dropped the girlfriend bomb. OUCH. Guys know all about this, when ya chat up some broad all night, things seem to be getting somewhere, then BAM-boyfriend bomb! It sucks. At least I got a kiss on the cheek and picked up for a goodbye.

So here's another classic example of the irony that is my love life. I manage to hook up two stranger and they right away hit it off and begin to blossom into what can become quite the relationship. But, of course I go looking for the smallest bit of male affection for at least an evening, and he has a girlfriend (and he's not a cheater I might add, which is a good thing, though that hadn't stopped several men in my life before.) I go for these impossible men, even though they don't seem impossible at the time. They're all impossible... is it really so much to ask for a hot guy with side burns and a leather jacket? I assume it is, because I never manage to find anyone. Okay, I'll quit my bitching now and just remind myself that it's all my fault. I just have to be the pickiest person I know. Oy.

Next amount of big news is I got my license. It feels pretty amazing not having to depend on anyone for rides anymore. But, now I'm forced to find a job, which feels nearly unfeasible at this point. I hate job hunting, and for the past year, no matter how many applications I fill out and interviews I do, I fail at getting one... or keeping one. None of my jobs this past year have lasted longer than 3 months. Hell, I lost my last one in 2 days. Go me. I suck at work. How is it I was born into a Jewish family with two carpenter parents, and yet I have no work ethic outside of my scholarly pursuits? (Mind you, that took 17 years for me to get.)

Moving on... I just finished my classes for becoming an ESL tutor. I haven't told many people about this, I don't really know why. I guess because I figured nothing would come of it. But now I have to begin teaching English next week to some dude from Tajikistan. I mean, this will be a good experience if I do decide to join the Peace Corps or attempt to get a job overseas, but I donno. My whole thing with the Peace Corps was just a thought and then my mother went gung-ho about it. Not that I don't wanna do it, I just don't like massive encouragement because then others build these expectations and put this unnecessary pressure on you even if it's meant to be supportive. This goes along with my idea of not discussing my ideas. I hate being apparently "smart" and having to live up to these standards. Maybe if I was average no one would expect shit, and I wouldn't go crazy all the time.

I need to get my Adderall and my 5-HTP, that combination motivates me. It also makes me not eat, which is a huge benefit. I don't care what this says about me, I'll take the artificial if it means I'll get things done and feel better in a quicker amount of time. I've been a waste the last year, and I'd like to get a move on to doing and being something meaningful in this shitty little world.

Toughness runs in this family.

We're All Socially Awakward

Most of us pick our noses, we don't like to admit it, but we do. And whether it be absent minded or intentional, we love doing it. Don't deny it, just embrace it.

But this brings me to my point, we all do things in privacy that aren't deemed socially acceptable, this includes the privacy of our minds. We're all a little fucked up and have some hidden ill intentions that we try to keep to ourselves. But, what if the world were to be completely honest? You know that one friend you have that you hate to bring around because of all the weird or embarrassing shit they say? What if we could all be as open about ourselves as they are? Would it make everyone socially awkward, or completely acceptable? Imagine a world without any egos, where there was no such things as social masks, where we are all free to express our truest self. I'm not talking about any new age hippie crap, I'm talking about a world of self-expressive freedom.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it was just a thought. I mean, I feel like I'm able to be myself almost anywhere I go, even if others aren't. I'm comfortable in my own skin, but I still have an ego. My ego is something I'm not completely willing to give up either, and I think in this world, many of us can't. I'm attached to my social persona, and sometimes I still keep it on even when I'm not around a strange crowed. Does this mean I need to do more self discovery or soul searching? Or does it simply make me acceptable to other humans? It doesn't really matter, I suppose.

Anyway, I wish I had more to say. I'm happy. I broke my celibacy pledge the other night. I got to talk on the phone with the love of my life. I have a great group of friends. I start driving in a few days. I can't really complain, though I almost wish I did have something new to bitch about because I feel as though this blog entry here was a little sub-par, my apologies. I'll be sure to make the next one all about SEX.

The Moon Isn't Real.

Now, first off, I don't follow the news much. I take little interest in politics. I could really care less. I think many of us would be better off. Here's why...

The medias glum coverage strikes fear into the hearts of many. They're out to basically terrify us, and society eats it up. How many people do you know directly that has swine flu? Ever open your mail & breathed in a big whiff of anthrax? How many mad cows have you met? Do you really think anyone could be so dumb as to blow up the moon thereby fucking up the laws of gravity with consequences unimaginable to us? And really, spinach can kill you? Okay, I think we've gone too far.

I believe a good amount of our fear based upon the news has led to the current economic downfall. In a capitalistic nation, we've now become too afraid to spend money. What the fuck are we thinking? Sure, there are other major factors to this whole ordeal, like banks giving out loans they knew people couldn't afford. Our country isn't even run by real money anymore, but by the concept of money, and we no longer have anything  (like the gold standard) to actually back it up.

Honestly though, it's not that I really get too passionate about these things, I just hate how people get their undies all in a bunch over what the news tells us. I don't trust them, and I never will, because right now I'm sitting in a paid for house on my Macbook, surrounded by my processions. Sure I don't have a job, but I live comfortably anyhow. I don't have much to complain about, and everyone else should feel the same if they're in a situation similar to mine. So basically, calm down and shut up.

Love Query & Proving Nothing

The other night I unsuccessfully attempted an experiment. I don't know why I say "unsuccessfully" or even "experiment," as it had no real hypothesis to ultimately end up at. All I really did, in actuality, was stay up for 42 hours, and spent the next few days trying to readjust my sleeping schedule. It was completely useless, and I couldn't even manage to stay up for 2 days. I believe this is because my creative energy began to lack around hour 40, so instead of working on projects, I began just reading about sleep deprivation. That's not a very smart idea, even with endless coffee consumption. I figured this "experiment" would help me discover my truest self, but all I ended up with is 3 realizations. 1)Time becomes an odd concept the longer you stay awake. 2)Spending that much time with yourself can become nerve wracking. And 3) I love sleep. As Chuck Klosterman puts it "sometimes the difference between self-actualization and self-amusement is less than you think."

On a different note, I may apparently be intimidating. I figured being forward with guys may work somehow. It did before, indirectly it's how I managed to get my ex-boyfriend. The way I see it, if I spare guys the work of approaching me, they'll simply be happy a girl with my level of confidence would be willing to mack it to them. But, so far, to no avail, it just seems to make things awkward. But, honestly, I'm tired of being passive. If I don't do anything, I feel as though nothing will happen. I suppose I'll just have to keep trying... or try to find a compromise.

Now, on a related note, the goal for my next relationship is to be in total control. I know that makes it probably bound for failure, but is it really all that wrong? In my last relationship, I was basically the pussy whipped man, while my ex was the controlling girl. Not so much in the sense that I would go out of my way on his every demand (he didn't have too many,) but I would be completely passive and submit only to his needs. This is exactly why I want total control in my next relationship, just to balance everything out before I get into an equal relationship. This logic somehow works out in my head. The men should now be lining up around the corner.

My other completely minor problem with relationships, is no matter how much I fall for a guy, there's always going to be the one they can never compare to. I think almost everyone suffers from this problem. You know, "the one true love" syndrome. Another Klosterman quote to perfectly describe what I'm getting at here is:


"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition.It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable...The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." 


The only boy I've ever really loved has been away in another country since 2006 (he's in the military), and has only visited once since that time. And even though he visited while I was in a relationship, and even hung out with me and the ex, my eyes still lit up brighter for him than anyone. I've always had a crush on him since we met at 13 years old, and him, 14. But, it wasn't until a few years later, a month or so before his leave, that I realized how completely in love with him I really am. We've never been in a relationship, never even kissed. The most we shared is a few kisses on the cheek & forehead, plus one weird drunken night where nothing happened yet I wake up in my underwear with him and some other girl. Oh, alcohol. Still, I managed to fall in love with him. He's one of my best friends, and sometimes they say that's the right person to fall for, but it's also the worst. 


Now, this doesn't exactly have an affect on all current relationships, but I know the moment he comes back it will be the same cycle all over again. I would leave anyone if he ever said he would want to be in a relationship with me. I hate the thought of marriage, but if it had to be anyone, he is the only one I can visualize such things with. I would have his children even though I also shutter at the thought of that. Not that any of these things will ever happen (though I can hope,) but it gives you insight as to how much this one person means to me.


My friend Emit says to not make people a hobby. But, we're all victims of doing so, even he himself who said it. As humans, we don't know how to not fall in love. It's in our nature. No matter how much of a defense we put up, no matter what we do to avoid it, no matter how cynical we become, we all succumb to the stupidity that is love. It's true what Klosterman says, one person will manage to become that definition. It's unavoidable, try to deny it all you like, love is real.


I may not believe in love, but it does exist for that one human being. It only exists for that one human, at least for me. It may not be real for anyone else I get involved with, but it is for him. This doesn't mean I won't fall in love with someone else, but they'll only be what love is supposed to feel like. I will feel in love with that person, they will feel in love with me, but they won't be my definition. I have my definition, even though I'm not entirely sure what it is... 


I'm sure posts like this will REALLY help me get the fellas now. 

Questions & Answers

I wrote way too much today. Had to do 4 short essays for my philosophy class. I'm pretty proud of them, so I'll post 'em. I know someone will find them and use them to cheat (and get caught and expelled so fuck off my answers!) But feel free to take notes.

1.  Propose a list of human traits that you believe are "feminine" and traits that are "masculine." Support your claims with reasons.

In western society, masculinity is viewed as aggressive, born leaders, and powerful. Women are viewed as being weaker than men, more caring, more nurturing. A great number of societies  attend to a patriarch social system-men in control. According to the text, both Plato and Aristotle believe emotion is linked to women, while reasoning is linked to men. This is not what I've seen in my life. I suppose I contain many qualities that are masculine. I'm usually the group leader, I used to have terrible aggression issues, I'm very logical, I sometimes suppress my emotions greatly, and I'm hardly ever afraid. And, take my ex-boyfriend for another example. He contained many traits viewed as feminine. He always wanted to discuss small problems because he was ultra sensitive, he never lets you forget your problems, he's very emotional and often let's that control is actions, he's nurturing, he's meek and timid, and even carried himself in a feminine manner. (Perfect match, huh?) I believe there really is no list you can make which wouldn't come off as stereotypes. The lines these days are blurred. The things I did list are viewed as feminine and masculine, but not always applicable to men and women. Feminism gave rise to women who no longer wanted to suppress what was viewed as "masculine". I think it's true what they say, we are all created equal, we just aren't treated or viewed as equal. In the end, we're all human, hence "human nature," not "male nature" or "female nature." Simply, human.

2.  Propose a list of human traits that you believe are "female" and traits that are "male." Support your claims with reasons.

Things that are "male" and "female" are not subjective like things that are "masculine" and "feminine." There are all the obvious biological differences like different sex organs, males tend to generally be taller, females have wider hips, males are often stronger, females ovulate, etc. We also differ psychologically, though. The Psychology Today article 'Ten Politically Incorrect Traits About Human Nature" scientifically proves certain male and female stereotypes. From that article, and from my own personal observations, what I most agreed to be true about men is:

-Males tend to like younger women. Even if they aren't younger, but appear to be younger, men have a tendency to go for that. The reasons being is the male's desire for more fertile women. Also youth means healthier women so they have a better chance at reproducing.

-Males are naturally more competitive. Women are also competitive, but in a different way. Competitiveness with men often has to do with some sort of power struggle, or to obtain women. Two examples being 1) making lots of money, and 2) having great physical strength.

-Male's generally want sex much more than women. Both males and females have a desire to reproduce, but males more often than women want casual sex. Male friends of mine talk about how easy it is for a female to get casual sex, all she really has to do is ask a male for it. Though that statement isn't always true, it just shows how males have a natural desire for sex. It's male's natural desire to "spread their seed."

As for females, these are some of the traits I believe to be true:

-Females have a greater amount of psychological needs. Although male's have the ability to be profound and insightful thinkers, and desire certain things from friends and women psychologically and emotionally,  females have a much longer and more thought out "list" of needs. It's not that us females are complicated, but relationships to us are much more mental. Despite if a female is willing to express her feelings or not, she does yearn for deeper and more meaningful relationships.

-Females do not desire sex as much as males. This is because males are easily able to impregnate a women without worry, but a women is stuck with the child, and it must grow inside her for 9 months.

-Females talk more. Male's excel in mathematics, while women excel in verbal skills. Males are often basic when it comes to conversation, while women wish to relate. Females have a greater desire for a social life, while men have a greater desire for social status. Females need to know people, while males need people to know them.

Although this is more objective, it's still debatable at times. For example, many homosexual male's may not agree that they have a desire to reproduce, and many females may be math wizzes. Studies like this are based off of anthropology, and as I said, psychology. Besides the apparent biological differences, everything can be argued by someone. Today's society is much more mentally androgynous, though there are still "social norms" males and females adhere to.

3.  The existentialists, such as Sartre, claim that if there is a human nature, it is formed by a Homo sapien as it lives its life and is done so by the choices it makes.  Relate the concepts of free will and responsibility to this claim.

The argument of free will fascinates me. It's something I've been studying alot this year... probably too much. I'm a physics nut, so I naturally look at the scientific view.

With science, we've learned there are physical laws everything in the universe abides by. We're physical SYSTEMS, made up of molecules which makes  living creatures no exception to those said physical laws. You can even relate philosophical concepts to the laws of physics. Take for instance Newton's "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." This is exactly the same idea of karma, you get what you give. Also look at the philosophy of the Tao. The Tao suggests that everything is in perfect harmony and balance, that there is a cosmic order. Or, just look at the saying "everything happens for a reason." These two things imply there is an order to everything. Physics has attempted to figure out all there is to the universe. Through that, everything is seen as having a system. From something as big as how the planets align, to how atoms work, they're all natural systems that work to maintain the universe. So, wouldn't we also have to help maintain the universe through every single choice and action resulting from those choices we make? Think about chaos theory. If we didn't get on the train at 5pm, if we didn't wake up early that morning, if we decided against jogging that day... would everything be different? Did we have no other choice but to do those actions in order to maintain the harmony of the universe?

Maybe, but maybe not. Physics has managed to discover quantum mechanics, a study of physical reality at the atomic, subatomic, and even smaller particle level. On the subatomic and smaller particle level, it has been discovered that everything is quite random. So maybe we aren't controlled by systems, but perhaps everything is random (chaos).

A metaphysical (and psychological) argument, that supports the claims of randomness (us making our own decisions), is the study of the consciousness. Consciousness has not been able to be explained by physical science. They do however, attempt to argue that our brain is controlled by chemical shifts, and chemicals must abide to chemical laws. However, some philosophers debate that the I (ourselves, who we are) is different from our minds. Our minds are only a tool for survival, and underneath the mind (which creates our ego-our identity) is a soul. Ever hear the little voice in the back of your head saying "do it" or "don't do it"? That's what is said the soul is, the truest self not controlled by the mind. Therefore, we make our own choices.

Sartre claims that human nature exists because of the choices we make. So, does the act of war happen because of our human nature and the choices we've made? Or does the act of war happen because of the system and balance of the universe? Honestly, I'm no where near sure. In fact, no one can ever be sure of these claims or this whole debate. This is why fate versus free will has been a never ending explored concept. It's been around since about 350 B.C. and hasn't ended since. Science hasn't been able to prove it, and nor has philosophy. I make no judgements and have no real beliefs when it comes to all the big questions. There isn't really a way to prove any of it, even through deductive reasoning or logic.

4.  There are those who claim there is a genetic basis for behavior.  All human activity is determined by one's genes.  On the other hand, persons such as Plato, Marx, and Skinner believe that, in varying degrees, society determines human nature. Can you reconcile these two views?

This is another free will debate, as well as a nature versus nurture debate. Those who claim we are products of our genetic makeup fail to take into account our upbringing, our history. But both have a very strong basis for their arguments. Think about a homosexual. Many get offended when people refer to their homosexuality as a "choice", because they say it's who they are and who they've always been. This means that their genetic makeup has determined whether they like men or women, and has nothing to do with their history. Another example, supporting the claim that society determines human nature, is racists. I believe strongly in the saying "no one is born a racist." Someone doesn't form a hatred of a different race because they're genetically predisposed to it. Racists become racists because of those they look up to, be it family, friends, or a mentor.

To reconcile these two views, I think it can be settled like this: beliefs are products of society, and the self is determined by genetics. You tend to believe in god because of your upbringing, and other such circumstances, and this  belief can be shed by society. But, according to psychologists, your personality is developed in the very early stages of life. For instance, take homosexuals again. There has been countless cases of special rehabilitation programs to turn them into heterosexuals. For a while, they are brainwashed to think it worked. But, after a time, suppressing their natural urges for the same sex and attempting to lead life as a heterosexual for societies eyes can often lead to mental breakdowns. This is because it is who they are, not who they believe they are. So to reiterate my conclusion, society can determine the belief and value system you adhere to. This is the ego, your perception of reality. But genetically, you are who you are underneath the ego. Genetically, you are your truest self (which is also a spiritual view, but this parley pertains to science). This isn't to say societal influence is all bad, but it doesn't determine the deepest level of the self.  

"Have Fun"

The term "have fun" is sort of weird. It almost sounds like a Chinese prostitute ad. I can see it now, "Have fun with Fun!"

Anyway, last night I had tons of fun (as in good times, not Chinese prostitutes.) First off, I drove to Philadelphia with my best lady friend. It was incredibly exciting, and not half as terrifying as I thought it would be. Once we got there, we headed to JR's for some Tough Shits (and also The Stalkers.) As always, it did not fail to please. They played lots of songs they never play, and played longer than they usually do. I love that band, they ooze fun.

I miss Philadelphia so so much. I hate New Jersey, although my two closest friends live within 5 minutes of me. I want to move back there next year, I think. It's not that I don't want to (at all,) it's just I have no clue where I'll be a year from now. I want to move, but I also want to travel. I want to go possibly teach in Eastern Europe. I also want to go to Australia. I want to see more of America, sort of.

I talk about these things too much. Sometimes I think I should stop talking about ideas or intentions, it seems to wear them out or render them useless. Or you get a million other peoples opinions and their ideas, and you decide you don't even want to do it anymore. Sometimes that's good if you want advice, but if you're trying to make your own path, I think you should really just keep it to yourself. Don't let your ideas be tainted unless you need the input.

I forget all the notes in my head, and every mental to-do list gets torn up (metaphorically speaking.) So, here's my latest idea: I think I'm going to write a comedy play. Not theater crap bullshit, but just one hell of a show. I'll try and figure out how to get it together, and possibly get it into The Philadelphia Fringe Festival. That could open doors.

People are here, I should stop being rude and get off this computer. Okay, signing off (I enjoyed saying that.)

hot.

"Adulthood" or Something Like It...

Ah, the feel behind the wheel. Nothin' but asphalt for miles ahead. Creedence Clearwater Revival blaring from the speakers with an ever so slight crackling sound that only adds to the grittiness of the music. This is true bursin' and crusin'. This is freedom.

In about a month from now, I will be driving, licensed. This may not seem like a big deal considering it's what (almost) everyone does. Not me. It's strange "becoming this person" who no one one thinks I am. It's like when I have a job, or a boyfriend. It's apparently "very unlike me," even though none of these things are really, as I said, "big deals."

Do I/did I avoid some of these things because they're simply "not in my nature," or am I sacred shitless of entering adulthood? Probably a little of both, more one than the other. I've rushed quickly in life. I was born early. I went through puberty early.  I got out of high school early to enter college early. I moved out early (then I moved back.) But what's my deal with the other stuff? I can justify to you many reasons, valid or invalid. First, the driving. Driving is a huge responsibility, not just with safety, but also financially. Money is tight, and even when it's not I like to hold on to it.

Getting a job? I don't mind having a job, but I hate the thought of working jobs I well... hate. Though I do admit, I have little work ethic, but succeed greatly in my scholarly pursuits. This explains why I've been fired from every retail job I've ever worked. I generally exceed the intelligence of every manager, and many of the customers. I have a difficult time working for people I see as beneath me... hell, one of my old managers is now locked up in prison for wrapping her newborn baby in a towel, shoving it in a bag, and throwing it under the sink. I'm just saying, it goes to show you...

And boyfriends? Well... I've had but one. I'm not a fan of letting my guard down, and every time I do, I get hurt. This results in me rebuilding my wall higher and thicker, and sticking it together with cynicism. I'm not scared of love, or commitment, or anything like that. I'm scared of giving myself over to a person to such an extent I loose sense of myself only to wind up being fucked over somehow in the end. I'm jaded after only 2 decades on this planet. (Yes, I've quickly rushed into jadedness.) The highs just don't seem worth the lows, and I'm not ready to rush into anything again. I thought I was so sure with the one boyfriend I had, but as the old saying goes "love is blind." It also enables you to become semi-retarded.

I suppose in the end though, none of these justifications matter. We're all products of our past, so there's really no excuses. But it's the future. Nothing freaks me out and excites me more than the future. It's this mixture of feelings that makes me want to speed up head-on into things and also makes me wanna puke just thinking about. But it's inevitable, time is linear, at least here in the third dimension. And that's what I have to deal with, the third dimension, this "reality." No amount of astrophysics can save me.

Fuck it. I'm sick of growing up. Let's go to the playground and pick our noses.