Dear Everyone,

I'm over humanity. My welcome has been worn down, and I have to go. Somedays my mind is in the clouds, floating through the air with great admiration for each and everyone of you. Love fills my vacant pit, and all I can do is smile. It's sweet tasting, but the sweet turns sour the longer the milk is left out. It's not from a lack of gratitude, it's from a lack of personal involvement. Time is shrinking, hours are passing, and my beating organ is shades of black and grey. Words are smelling like dog shit. Promises are outdated, null, and void. Do you really care? No, you don't. Do I really care? I guess not. Even those here in the present have yet to prove their claims. No longer do I dwell on the concept of longevity, for it's all a sham. There's hope for few, and the feelings are unconditional... but not for many. Alone isn't by choice, but by fate. You surround me, but I'm not there. A shell of a human is there, but the id has yet to be unbridled, and the history has yet to be revealed. Part ego, part super ego, that's all your eyes can see. I've become an idea, I've grown as a character... but as soon the shell starts cracking, the yolk starts dripping down your hand, you don't know what to do. 

In the end... I don't know if I exist. I'm unsure how to prove I'm part of this reality, or if there's anything to prove at all. I'm just a myth. I only exist in stories.


Too Many Deadly Sins to Name

Long time no update... in fact, it's been a half a year. I need to stop being lazy and just WRITE. I know I haven't written in a long time because I wanted to write about my trip to Israel, but alas, I just never got around to finishing that piece.
I could recap the whole year, but I think it's better if I discuss the present. I mean, so far, this year has been a helluva ride, but I'd be only writing about it for memories sake, and I'd rather just write what's on my mind now...

I've started to pick up on signs this year. I'm realizing more and more how the universe attempts to teach us lessons by sending certain things our way. Be it a DUI or getting fired from a job... or, maybe it's just stupid luck, and there's no forces controlling us but ourselves. Regardless, I'll take all these "signs" for what they could or could not be and utilize them as lessons.
Currently I'm attempting to move back to Philadelphia. It's not gonna be as easy as before, but it's what I need to do for my mental health. I haven't told all my friends around here mostly because I don't have too many friends around here anymore. Besides my 2 best friends, it's a rare thing to talk, let alone see any of these kids. And, really, I don't even care much. Friendships reliant on memories aren't friendships, they're characters in previous chapters of your life. We've outgrown each other, and I feel like a miserable fucker when I'm around them, so why bother?
"Why bother?" It seems to be my motto these days. Even though the pace has picked up some and I'm trying rather hard to accomplish certain things, much of the time I'm doing this instead of that. Everyday is a new day, so why do I keep waiting for something "new"? I'm making excuses.

 Wish I had more to say. This is a shitty post after 6 months of not writing. Inspiration, please slap me in the face... oh well, it's a start (again).


Dreams Versus Reality

Have you ever felt like something was over before it started? You ever think that your dreams were attempting to tell you something?

Dreams are strange and mysterious things. Metaphysically, scientifically, psychologically, they're not very understood. Why is it that we all have common occurrences in our dreams? Like, not being able to read something because it makes no sense. Or, how is it we're able to create people and places we've never been or seen in our waking life? Is it that we're able to imagine things based off of our imagination? Or, have we really been to these places before and we just can't remember because maybe it was in a past life? I'm not saying I do or don't believe in past lives, but  it does make you wonder about these characters and settings your unconscious mind formulates. Also, what are these created scenarios attempting to tell us, if trying to tell us anything at all?

It seems as though our own emotions formulate these scenes played out inside our heads. Paranoia for instance is a big one. The night before something really important occurs, us humans tend to dream about everything that could go wrong, does. Or, you worry that you significant other is cheating on you, so you dream about them sleeping with someone else or what have you. It doesn't seem as though our unconscious minds are attempting to warn us so much as attempt to show us our own latent feelings. Because, in our waking life, we may not even be aware of these thoughts we harvest inside, but our dreams are.

Myself, for instance, has a tendency to overanalyze, well, everything. But, even so, I do cover up alot of emotions and thoughts with what I want myself and others to believe. Of course, if you tell a lie enough it begins to becomes truth in a way. We all remember things that happened to us the way we want to remember them. If you're a pathological liar, your whole sham of a life becomes your real story. Same with relationships, sometimes even while they're happening.  Everyone does this, because everyones truth is their own perception. While you're in one position, your mind tells you you're in another, but the other person sees you in a completely different position according to their own perception. But, does that make things we believe lies? Or, does it make it real because that's how we see it? If no one knows the truth, who's to say it did or didn't occur?

Last night, my dream raised up my own paranoia that I was pretty unaware of. The result today is a pit-in-my-stomach kind of worry. Now, I'm completely unsure if this is legitimate delusion, or if it's really what's going on. I attempt to tell myself it's my own brain simply working up my own anxieties, but what if it's not? Does that mean my dream did warn me of something or did my dream just make me aware of my suspicions? I'm also telling myself it's no big deal, and I'm doing my same old over-analyzation. But, it's hard not to be concerned when something occurs that may or may not confirm those negative thoughts.

But, maybe my dream wasn't finished. Maybe I woke up too soon to know how things really are. Maybe my dream was over before it started. And maybe this whole thing ISN'T over before it started.

The mind is a funny thing, as are "lies", "truths", and well, dreams. So, what is reality?


The Lifestyle

School's almost done, and maybe this will motivate me to write more. Sometimes I'm on a kick, other times I'm completely null and void. I'll figure out something to say.

So, family just got done visiting. My mom's sister and brother. When the words "family's visiting" is uttered, it's never really a good thing. It's not terrible, but it's not completely bearable either. It's nice, but can be mildly irritating. Thank god for my car. Oh, Lola, you're my savior. But, now it's done and over with, and I can continue on living. Yes, I may sounds dramatic, but it's exactly how you feel. It's like all those sitcoms you see. Hey, sitcoms speak truth. The family unit is hilarious in retrospect... then again, most things are.

Lately, life has felt good, minus not working. I have $35 to my name, yet I'm not unhappy. I can't go searching for jobs either considering I'm leaving for Israel for 2 weeks next month.

But, this is a strange feeling. I'm not getting the itch to wanna run away anymore. I may hate New Jersey, but I'm in no great rush to escape. I'm content with all my friendships, there's no great struggle. The weather hasn't been too bad. I'm not subjected to bouts of cabin fever. I'm going to the gym every other day. I've been working with my friends for Food Not Bombs. I'm... content?

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm used to some sort of a struggle to keep me moving. I mean, I'm not happy with everything in my life, but I'm not stressed out either. My mood has been an overall zen. I can't remember the last time I cried. I can't remember the last time I wanted to punch something/someone. It's a peaceful existence.

Maybe it's because I consider writing to be part of the coping proses for negative emotions. But, it shouldn't be. I'm generally catatonic when I'm depressed. Hell, I'm probably only saying this to create some friction in my existence. So, does this mean happiness and contentment only create a certain misery in my life? Fuck, so where's the balance here? Do I thrive on a heartbroken and jaded lifestyle? Well, fuck me.

So, as mentioned earlier, I'm almost done school. I'm ending my community college career with all A's this semester. Cept now I'm left to figure out the next step. Where do I go from here? I want to go to school for creative writing, but I'm finding there to be no schools in the area with that major. I've been told I can create my own major at certain schools, but then there's the money issue. School is complicated and money sucks. I give a big "oy vey" to this.

And, alas, this decade is coming to an end. Which leaves me to wonder, what the hell did it prove? There has been no radical movements, there has been no great new creations in music (subtract all those shitty techno sub-genre's... they don't count), no one has passion anymore. Have people lost their fire for basic revolution? It seems as though all we care about these days is the advancements made in technology, but that may be the problem. Now, I'm guilty of this myself, but this past decade has been spent in front of so many screens. Computer screens, cell phone screen, Imax screens, IPod screens. I'm not saying these things are particularly BAD, but they don't do the youth a great amount of justice either. We're too lazy to create, to protest, to change, to evolve, to speak out. All of that is done through the convenience of the computer. I'm almost ashamed of my generation, and I can only hope we get the balls to stir up society once again. We need a movement, we need some sparks... hell, we need a title. I want us to be a little more than the technology generation.

I'm sick of this lull in the time line.



The other night put an awkward pit in my stomach. It was one of those nights where you learn that a human being actually has different sides to them. Being exposed to those other sides can make you feel uneasy, and at a completely loss of words. But, I suppose after you pound someone with the question "what's wrong?" enough while assuring them you won't be angry or mocking, they finally break down. And you have to expect they're going to reveal an unexpected part of themselves to you. Who knew sex would lead to creating more of a round character in my life? Cheers to the heart broken, dude.

Anyway, I knew just how he felt after he finally expressed what was swirling through his dome. And, yes, it is hard being in love with someone when they're not yours. The only thing that makes it easy for me is that he's in another continent, not just a state away. Whenever I reconnect with people after a period of time, they're shocked to hear I'm still in love with the same god damn person. I've written about this before, I guess I need something new.

I suppose I do have something new now, though. Something easier and less intense. Basically, exactly when I need. I have no desire to be wrapped up with something mind blowing and phenomenal right now, because, well, mind blowing and phenomenal is far too complicated and burns out quickly much of the time. This was a gradual process, one I didn't overhype, or even consider much. But, it's happening, though not "officially" yet. It's a little exciting, just part of the thrill of something, or in this case, someone new.

Onward... Israel is official for January. I might also be going to California for my cousin's wedding and then over to Vegas. This means I would be out of New Jersey nearly the entire month of January. THANK FUCK. If all goes according to plan, 2010 is going to start off with one of the most exciting experiences of my life so far. I am so ready for 2010, though this last half of 2009 has successfully redeemed itself of the shittieness.

Also, I feel I should mention this because it's important to me... I started back up at the gym again. Beginning that mind, body, abs connection. I was able to loose a bunch of weight before, and I'll do it again. I haven't felt completely comfortable in my body this past year, though I have started feeling a little better about myself. I just need to get back to where I once was, so I can truly be confident in myself.

I make the most amazing pumpkin curry coconut bread.

Lastly, I wish my best friend wasn't such a debbie downer. She's able to take anyones upbeat mood and just bring it down with her. It sounds mean, but I truly can't stand my best friend sometimes. She's just so settled in her ways, and I feel like she doesn't have much adventure left in her. I remember I brought her to a show the other month and she just fell asleep in the corner (don't ask.) But, I'm sticking with her, I just wish she would get over whatever it is she's going through. I have no idea where this friendship is heading... and it makes me even sadder that I sometimes don't care.

I'm tired, I think I'm in need of a nap.


Back Up On It

I'm a little irked with myself for not posting anything for like, 2 weeks. I don't have any excuse except that I'm lazy. I need to get back on the accomplishment track, and I consider writing on here one big accomplishment. I can't call myself a writer and not write.

Halloween was fun. Saw the Tough Shits, got real drunk, got a chance to hang out with Joy alot... all an all, a damned decent evening. Joy actually wants to start a band, and asked me to sing. That's something to look forward to. I did end up spending way too much money, but I have an excuse. Ya know, halloween, holiest of holidays. Hopefully though, all my job hunting will pay off and I can afford to spend some money. I hate having to depend on my mother, but she knows I'm trying and not just sitting on my ass waiting for something to be handed to me. Anyway...

I've come to the realization I've forgotten how to go about kissing a boy sober. It's difficult even when I'm drunk and they're sober. I'm aware of how stupid this all sounds, but drunken behaviors are (almost/sometimes) forgivable. When you're drunk, you're allowed some leeway with your stupid actions. "Oh man! Did I really try to kiss you the other night? That's funny!" When both or one of you isn't drunk, it just becomes awkward. I guess this is why most of my relationships fail. They're all mainly based off of basic animal attraction, i.e., we just wanna have sex, and alcohol destroys and bit of awkwardness that naughty fun time holds when 2 people aren't in love.

I don't have much more to say, which sucks. I want to say more, but I feel brain dead. I'm on a bit of a lull right now, hoping to catch another spark. I always say "one of these days," and I need to start making that day today. Maybe I should cover my room with cheesy inspirational posters... boost moral every single morning.


The Irony of My Life

So, I suppose I'll start with my weekend, a very good place to start. Friday night I met up with my friend Chloe, trudged through endless traffic, and finally arrived at my bro-cuz, Kyle's place. I wanted to play match maker with these two for a bit because well, Chloe loves Jews, and Kyle is one cool Jew. While I realize this isn't much of a bases for a successful relationship, it's enough for two individuals not looking to settle down and have babies and white picket fences. Anyway, we get to his place, Chloe carves my friend Elvis a pumpkin for his birthday, and from there we head to Elvis' birthday show at the El bar.

It was great to see all the familiar faces I haven't seen in a while. Even though there was one 'minus a few teeth' face there I could live without seeing (or accidentally saying hi to, shit! and we hadn't spoken in over a year, fuck, why did I mess that all up?) But there was a new face there, gorgeous as could be (see above.) His band was from near Boston, and my god, what a babe. After some initial flirting, I went to go check with Chloe and Kyle, as they were sitting out back a good amount of the time. And, awesomely, they got along really well, enough to hook up and now spend time together, etc. etc., good for them.

So, my attempts on this gentleman seemed to be going somewhere until he dropped the girlfriend bomb. OUCH. Guys know all about this, when ya chat up some broad all night, things seem to be getting somewhere, then BAM-boyfriend bomb! It sucks. At least I got a kiss on the cheek and picked up for a goodbye.

So here's another classic example of the irony that is my love life. I manage to hook up two stranger and they right away hit it off and begin to blossom into what can become quite the relationship. But, of course I go looking for the smallest bit of male affection for at least an evening, and he has a girlfriend (and he's not a cheater I might add, which is a good thing, though that hadn't stopped several men in my life before.) I go for these impossible men, even though they don't seem impossible at the time. They're all impossible... is it really so much to ask for a hot guy with side burns and a leather jacket? I assume it is, because I never manage to find anyone. Okay, I'll quit my bitching now and just remind myself that it's all my fault. I just have to be the pickiest person I know. Oy.

Next amount of big news is I got my license. It feels pretty amazing not having to depend on anyone for rides anymore. But, now I'm forced to find a job, which feels nearly unfeasible at this point. I hate job hunting, and for the past year, no matter how many applications I fill out and interviews I do, I fail at getting one... or keeping one. None of my jobs this past year have lasted longer than 3 months. Hell, I lost my last one in 2 days. Go me. I suck at work. How is it I was born into a Jewish family with two carpenter parents, and yet I have no work ethic outside of my scholarly pursuits? (Mind you, that took 17 years for me to get.)

Moving on... I just finished my classes for becoming an ESL tutor. I haven't told many people about this, I don't really know why. I guess because I figured nothing would come of it. But now I have to begin teaching English next week to some dude from Tajikistan. I mean, this will be a good experience if I do decide to join the Peace Corps or attempt to get a job overseas, but I donno. My whole thing with the Peace Corps was just a thought and then my mother went gung-ho about it. Not that I don't wanna do it, I just don't like massive encouragement because then others build these expectations and put this unnecessary pressure on you even if it's meant to be supportive. This goes along with my idea of not discussing my ideas. I hate being apparently "smart" and having to live up to these standards. Maybe if I was average no one would expect shit, and I wouldn't go crazy all the time.

I need to get my Adderall and my 5-HTP, that combination motivates me. It also makes me not eat, which is a huge benefit. I don't care what this says about me, I'll take the artificial if it means I'll get things done and feel better in a quicker amount of time. I've been a waste the last year, and I'd like to get a move on to doing and being something meaningful in this shitty little world.

Toughness runs in this family.


We're All Socially Awakward

Most of us pick our noses, we don't like to admit it, but we do. And whether it be absent minded or intentional, we love doing it. Don't deny it, just embrace it.

But this brings me to my point, we all do things in privacy that aren't deemed socially acceptable, this includes the privacy of our minds. We're all a little fucked up and have some hidden ill intentions that we try to keep to ourselves. But, what if the world were to be completely honest? You know that one friend you have that you hate to bring around because of all the weird or embarrassing shit they say? What if we could all be as open about ourselves as they are? Would it make everyone socially awkward, or completely acceptable? Imagine a world without any egos, where there was no such things as social masks, where we are all free to express our truest self. I'm not talking about any new age hippie crap, I'm talking about a world of self-expressive freedom.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it was just a thought. I mean, I feel like I'm able to be myself almost anywhere I go, even if others aren't. I'm comfortable in my own skin, but I still have an ego. My ego is something I'm not completely willing to give up either, and I think in this world, many of us can't. I'm attached to my social persona, and sometimes I still keep it on even when I'm not around a strange crowed. Does this mean I need to do more self discovery or soul searching? Or does it simply make me acceptable to other humans? It doesn't really matter, I suppose.

Anyway, I wish I had more to say. I'm happy. I broke my celibacy pledge the other night. I got to talk on the phone with the love of my life. I have a great group of friends. I start driving in a few days. I can't really complain, though I almost wish I did have something new to bitch about because I feel as though this blog entry here was a little sub-par, my apologies. I'll be sure to make the next one all about SEX.


The Moon Isn't Real.

Now, first off, I don't follow the news much. I take little interest in politics. I could really care less. I think many of us would be better off. Here's why...

The medias glum coverage strikes fear into the hearts of many. They're out to basically terrify us, and society eats it up. How many people do you know directly that has swine flu? Ever open your mail & breathed in a big whiff of anthrax? How many mad cows have you met? Do you really think anyone could be so dumb as to blow up the moon thereby fucking up the laws of gravity with consequences unimaginable to us? And really, spinach can kill you? Okay, I think we've gone too far.

I believe a good amount of our fear based upon the news has led to the current economic downfall. In a capitalistic nation, we've now become too afraid to spend money. What the fuck are we thinking? Sure, there are other major factors to this whole ordeal, like banks giving out loans they knew people couldn't afford. Our country isn't even run by real money anymore, but by the concept of money, and we no longer have anything  (like the gold standard) to actually back it up.

Honestly though, it's not that I really get too passionate about these things, I just hate how people get their undies all in a bunch over what the news tells us. I don't trust them, and I never will, because right now I'm sitting in a paid for house on my Macbook, surrounded by my processions. Sure I don't have a job, but I live comfortably anyhow. I don't have much to complain about, and everyone else should feel the same if they're in a situation similar to mine. So basically, calm down and shut up.


Love Query & Proving Nothing

The other night I unsuccessfully attempted an experiment. I don't know why I say "unsuccessfully" or even "experiment," as it had no real hypothesis to ultimately end up at. All I really did, in actuality, was stay up for 42 hours, and spent the next few days trying to readjust my sleeping schedule. It was completely useless, and I couldn't even manage to stay up for 2 days. I believe this is because my creative energy began to lack around hour 40, so instead of working on projects, I began just reading about sleep deprivation. That's not a very smart idea, even with endless coffee consumption. I figured this "experiment" would help me discover my truest self, but all I ended up with is 3 realizations. 1)Time becomes an odd concept the longer you stay awake. 2)Spending that much time with yourself can become nerve wracking. And 3) I love sleep. As Chuck Klosterman puts it "sometimes the difference between self-actualization and self-amusement is less than you think."

On a different note, I may apparently be intimidating. I figured being forward with guys may work somehow. It did before, indirectly it's how I managed to get my ex-boyfriend. The way I see it, if I spare guys the work of approaching me, they'll simply be happy a girl with my level of confidence would be willing to mack it to them. But, so far, to no avail, it just seems to make things awkward. But, honestly, I'm tired of being passive. If I don't do anything, I feel as though nothing will happen. I suppose I'll just have to keep trying... or try to find a compromise.

Now, on a related note, the goal for my next relationship is to be in total control. I know that makes it probably bound for failure, but is it really all that wrong? In my last relationship, I was basically the pussy whipped man, while my ex was the controlling girl. Not so much in the sense that I would go out of my way on his every demand (he didn't have too many,) but I would be completely passive and submit only to his needs. This is exactly why I want total control in my next relationship, just to balance everything out before I get into an equal relationship. This logic somehow works out in my head. The men should now be lining up around the corner.

My other completely minor problem with relationships, is no matter how much I fall for a guy, there's always going to be the one they can never compare to. I think almost everyone suffers from this problem. You know, "the one true love" syndrome. Another Klosterman quote to perfectly describe what I'm getting at here is:

"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition.It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable...The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." 

The only boy I've ever really loved has been away in another country since 2006 (he's in the military), and has only visited once since that time. And even though he visited while I was in a relationship, and even hung out with me and the ex, my eyes still lit up brighter for him than anyone. I've always had a crush on him since we met at 13 years old, and him, 14. But, it wasn't until a few years later, a month or so before his leave, that I realized how completely in love with him I really am. We've never been in a relationship, never even kissed. The most we shared is a few kisses on the cheek & forehead, plus one weird drunken night where nothing happened yet I wake up in my underwear with him and some other girl. Oh, alcohol. Still, I managed to fall in love with him. He's one of my best friends, and sometimes they say that's the right person to fall for, but it's also the worst. 

Now, this doesn't exactly have an affect on all current relationships, but I know the moment he comes back it will be the same cycle all over again. I would leave anyone if he ever said he would want to be in a relationship with me. I hate the thought of marriage, but if it had to be anyone, he is the only one I can visualize such things with. I would have his children even though I also shutter at the thought of that. Not that any of these things will ever happen (though I can hope,) but it gives you insight as to how much this one person means to me.

My friend Emit says to not make people a hobby. But, we're all victims of doing so, even he himself who said it. As humans, we don't know how to not fall in love. It's in our nature. No matter how much of a defense we put up, no matter what we do to avoid it, no matter how cynical we become, we all succumb to the stupidity that is love. It's true what Klosterman says, one person will manage to become that definition. It's unavoidable, try to deny it all you like, love is real.

I may not believe in love, but it does exist for that one human being. It only exists for that one human, at least for me. It may not be real for anyone else I get involved with, but it is for him. This doesn't mean I won't fall in love with someone else, but they'll only be what love is supposed to feel like. I will feel in love with that person, they will feel in love with me, but they won't be my definition. I have my definition, even though I'm not entirely sure what it is... 

I'm sure posts like this will REALLY help me get the fellas now.